Let’s be honest, relationships can be hard work. They ask for patience, understanding, and a willingness to grow together through life’s inevitable challenges. The COVID-19 pandemic was, for many, an inflection point, a period that magnified both the strengths and the strains in relationships. Being together around the clock brought some couples closer, while for others it revealed cracks they hadn’t seen before.
That’s where the Gottman Method comes in, not just for couples impacted by the pandemic, but for anyone seeking to build stronger, more resilient relationships.
Created by Drs. John and Julie Gottman who, yes, are a married couple themselves, their approach is rooted in decades of research. The Gottmans have spent over 40 years studying thousands of couples in what they lovingly call the “Love Lab.” Their work has uncovered clear patterns in how relationships thrive… or fall apart.
At its core, the Gottman Method gives couples practical tools to manage conflict, increase intimacy, build mutual respect, and deepen emotional understanding. It’s not just theory, it’s science-backed and deeply human.
Building a Relationship Like a House
One of the things I love about the Gottman Method is the Sound Relationship House model. It’s such a relatable metaphor: a relationship as a house, with trust and commitment as the walls that hold everything up. Within that house are seven floors, each representing a foundational part of a healthy relationship.
Here’s a quick walkthrough:
- Build Love Maps – This is all about truly knowing your partner. Their inner world, their worries, their hopes. It’s the emotional GPS of your relationship.
- Share Fondness and Admiration – Show appreciation. Say “thank you.” Let your partner know what you admire about them.
- Turn Towards Instead of Away – This one hits home for a lot of people. It’s about those tiny moments your partner is showing you a meme or telling you about their day and choosing to engage instead of brushing it off.
- The Positive Perspective – Maintaining a hopeful, generous mindset about each other, even when things get tough.
- Manage Conflict – Here’s where I often ask my clients: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?” It’s not about avoiding conflict, it’s about handling it with care.
- Make Life Dreams Come True – Support each other’s goals. Cheer each other on.
- Create Shared Meaning – Build a life that feels meaningful to both of you, filled with rituals, inside jokes, and shared values.
The Power of Being Seen
One of the most common things said in couples therapy is, “I just want to feel seen.” And that desire shows up in small ways, wanting your partner to laugh at your joke, listen to a song you love, or notice when you’ve had a hard day.
The Gottmans call these moments bids for connection. They’re like little invitations we send out every day “See me. Hear me. Care about this with me.” How we respond to these bids, whether we turn towards, away, or against, can make or break a relationship over time.
So next time your partner wants to show you a silly video or vent about their workday? Tune in. It matters more than you think.
At ReNewNM Therapy, we use approaches like the Gottman Method to support couples throughout New Mexico. Whether you’re going through a tough patch, stuck in old patterns, or simply want to deepen your bond, couples therapy can help. You don’t have to navigate it alone.
We believe that relationships, like houses, can be repaired, reinforced, and made even stronger than before.
If you’re ready to start that process, reach out. We’re here to help.
Disclaimer: The information shared on this page is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice.
