In therapy, the home is often referred to as a system—a dynamic, living environment shaped by the relationships within it. The actions of one part affect the whole system. One of the most tangible expressions of how this system functions is in how labor is divided. Who cooks? Who cleans? Who remembers birthdays? Who pays the bills? And how are these tasks executed?
While these questions may seem logistical on the surface, they often point to deeper emotional currents: fairness, value, identity, and unmet needs. When the division of labor in a household becomes a source of tension, it’s rarely just about the chores. Sigmund Freud is famously (though perhaps inaccurately) credited with saying, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” The quote has become cultural shorthand for the idea that not everything has a hidden psychological meaning.
When it comes to household labor, the opposite is often true.
A conflict over who empties the dishwasher may seem trivial, and in therapy, it’s often a stand-in for deeper patterns:
- “Do you see how much I’m holding together?”
- “Why do I have to remind you?”
- “Do you value what I contribute, or is it invisible to you?”
These are not just task-based complaints. They are about emotional equity, acknowledgment, and feeling seen in the relationship.
That said, Freud’s fictional cigar still serves as a useful reminder: not every conflict is layered with meaning. Sometimes, one partner really didn’t know the trash needed to be taken out. Therapy helps us distinguish between patterns that are emotionally significant and those that aren’t.
The key lies in curiosity, not assumption.
The Invisible Load
Many household labor discussions center around what’s visible: vacuuming, dishwashing, or laundry. But from a therapeutic standpoint, we also focus on the mental and emotional labor—anticipating needs, keeping schedules, managing emotions, and even navigating family dynamics. Often, this invisible work is carried disproportionately and without acknowledgment.
Couples or family members may come into therapy with statements like:
- “I feel like I’m doing everything.”
- “They don’t even notice what I do.”
- “I’m constantly burnt out, but they say I don’t work as hard.”
These statements are not just complaints; they are calls for connection and validation. Therapy helps make the invisible visible, so both partners can engage more mindfully.
Patterns Rooted in the Past
Our attitudes about labor—who should do what, and what each role means—are shaped by our upbringing, culture, and early attachment experiences. Some clients discover that replicating a parent’s role (or rebelling against it) unconsciously informs their current household dynamics. It’s important to look at how gender roles play a part in setting up the system and negotiating who does what, and why. There was a social media reel that went viral because during their divorce proceedings, the father couldn’t name the children’s pediatrician, and the mother used this as an illustration of how he was not sharing the parental load. He argued in his reel that he didn’t know the name because he didn’t take the kids to their appointments, because he was at work… This is an example of the unspoken gender role that the mother assumes the role of planner and executioner of appointments, even if she must take time from her job.
Here are some examples of how a person’s upbringing can shape unspoken beliefs that continue to influence their behavior:
- A partner who watched a parent over-function may take on too much and feel resentful.
- Another might unconsciously expect care without ever having learned how to reciprocate emotionally or practically.
Exploring these patterns helps partners understand their actions not as personal failings, but as part of a larger relational story.
Equity vs. Fair
A therapeutic approach doesn’t aim for rigid fairness (i.e., “I washed dishes yesterday; it’s your turn today”), but for equity—ensuring that the workload feels balanced emotionally and practically based on each person’s capacity and needs.
This involves:
- Honest conversations about who can do what.
- Understanding seasons of imbalance (e.g., after childbirth, job changes, seasonal restrictions).
- Recognizing contributions beyond the surface (e.g., emotional support, childcare coordination).
Therapy encourages couples to approach these conversations not as negotiations, but as co-creations of a shared life.
Communication Is the Key (and the Work)
Resentment often builds in silence or when a cry for help isn’t heard. When one person feels like they’re carrying more, but doesn’t feel safe or effective in speaking up, the imbalance can calcify. From a therapeutic lens, communication isn’t just a tool—it’s part of the labor itself.
In session, we often guide clients in:
- Expressing needs without blame (“I feel overwhelmed when I handle meals alone” vs. “You never help”).
- Listening with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
- Creating rituals of checking in—not just about tasks, but about how each person is feeling within the shared life. We often encourage consistent chore dates, money dates, plan the next month dates, so both people know and agree to the expectations, and changes can be made before too much time has passed.
Creating a New System Together
A healthy household division of labor isn’t a static plan—it needs to be flexible, evolving system rooted in mutual respect and adaptability. In session, I often ask couples to do a quarterly check-in on the status of everyone’s load, how they are being successful and what needs some adaptation. This can help illuminate not just what’s happening in the home, but why, and guides people in rewriting the script together.
Whether you’re in a romantic partnership, sharing space with family, or co-parenting across households, the emotional economy of labor matters. It’s not just about who does the dishes—it’s about how seen, supported, and safe each person feels within the relationship.
In part two, I will go into more specific tools you can use to navigate and create the system within the system to make things work more effectively.
Disclaimer: The information shared on this page is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice.
